The "Performance" is Exhausting: Why I’m Retiring "Fake It 'Til You Make It"

rosetakelli
15 hours ago
4 min read

Yep. We’ve all heard it, and most of us have said it. In 2026, it’s the ultimate "hustle culture" mantra. Nervous about a presentation? Fake it 'til you make it. Don't know how to use the new software? Fake it 'til you make it. In those contexts, it’s about building confidence and pushing yourself to try new things and venture outside your comfort zone.

But when you apply that same logic to a chronic illness, the phrase starts to feel less like a pep talk and more like a disingenuous dirge. After years of trying to perform "wellness" for the sake of others, I’ve officially handed in my resignation.

Here is why "faking it" is a dangerous game when you’re chronically ill.

1. The High Interest Rate of the "Energy Debt"

When you have a limited amount of "spoons" or energy, every action has a cost. "Faking it"—putting on the front, forcing the smile, and suppressing the pain so you look "normal" in public—is an expensive performance.

The Reality: For every hour I spend pretending I’m fine, I usually owe my body three hours of recovery.
The Result: I’m not "making it" anywhere; I’m just bankrupting my future self for a temporary appearance of health.

Life with a chronic illness can provide a masterclass on prioritizing. - Sharilyn, Chronic Illness Patient

2. It Leads to Self-Gaslighting

Chronic illness requires a hyper-awareness of your body's signals. You have to be a detective, constantly monitoring heart rate, inflammation, or fatigue levels. (Read more on that here).

When you "fake it," you are essentially telling your brain to ignore those signals. Over time, that inner voice that says "Hey, we need to sit down right now" gets muffled. If you stop listening to your body because you're too busy pretending, you’re going to hit a wall—and it’s going to hurt.

3. There is No "Make It" (And That’s Okay)

The phrase implies a finish line. If I just act "well" long enough, eventually, I will be well.

The Hard Truth: For many of us, the illness is a permanent passenger. There is no destination where the symptoms vanish because we maintained a positive attitude. By ditching the phrase, I’m accepting that my "making it" isn't about recovery—it’s about sustainable management, radical self-compassion, and acceptance.

4. It Breeds Isolation

When you get really good at faking it, people start to believe you. They stop asking how they can help, or they forget that you're struggling.

The Mask: "You look so good! I'm glad you're feeling better."
The Truth: I’m actually in a flare, but somehow wearing makeup isn't allowed because it sends mixed signals to you, and your misconceptions of what disability and chronic illness "should" look like.

Faking it creates a barrier between the people who love me. It prevents a true connection because they are only interacting with the "Well Version" of me, not the real one. Not being able to fully show up in spaces reinforces the idea that I am not acceptable exactly how I am.

What I’m Doing Instead: "Feel It to Deal It"

I’ve traded faking for authenticity. This doesn't mean I spend 24/7 complaining; it means I’m honest about my boundaries.

Instead of faking energy, I say, "I’d love to see you, but I need to do it from my couch today."
Instead of faking health, I acknowledge, "I’m having a rough pain day, so I might be a bit quiet."
Instead of managing other people's opinions or feelings about my illness or chronic illness in general, I remind myself that I am not RESPONSIBLE FOR MANAGING OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINIONS AND FEELINGS ABOUT MY LIVED EXPERIENCE.

Stepping away from the "performance" of health is terrifying, but it’s also the most liberating thing I’ve ever done. I’m no longer wasting my precious energy trying to prove I’m okay, fit in with what "normal" is supposed to look like, and make people feel better about their own fragility.

Instead, I’m using that energy to actually live the best life I can, in all its messiness and magic.

Compiled By:

Kelli (Casas) Roseta

**All resources provided by this blog are for informational purposes only, not to replace the advice of a medical professional. Kelli encourages you to always contact your medical provider with any specific questions or concerns regarding your illness. All intellectual property and content on this site and in this blog is owned by morethanlupus.com. This includes materials protected by copyright, trademark, or patent laws. Copyright, More Than Lupus 2026.

Sources:

Respecting Your Energy Budget vs. Visiting the Lupus Loan Shark

The Lightness of Being: What to Leave Behind in 2025

Chronic Illness and Your Nervous System: Understanding the Polyvagal Theory