The "Expert" in the Room: When Chronic Meets Temporary
- rosetakelli
- 5 hours ago
- 6 min read
When you live with a chronic illness like lupus, you aren’t just a patient; you’re a professional plate-spinner. You’ve mastered the art of the "Spoonie" life, you know your way around a pharmacy better than most, and you can spot a flare-up coming from three weeks away.
But then, someone in your circle hits a temporary wall—a nasty bout of flu, a broken leg, or a rough recovery from a minor surgery.
Suddenly, you’re standing at a crossroads: To give or not to give advice?
It feels like you’re holding the secret tools and expert instructions to an Ikea cabinet they’re just starting to assemble. But before you drop your knowledge on the best stretches to try, doctors to see, books to read, or the "correct" way to rest, let’s look at the delicate dance of the "Lifer" vs. the "Short-Term Patient."
The Urge to Help (and Why it’s Complicated)
Living with a condition like lupus means your perspective on health is fundamentally different. You see a "temporary setback" through the lens of a long-term battle. This can lead to two very different reactions:
The "Fixer" Instinct: You want to save them from the trial-and-error you went through.
The "Comparison" Trap: You might find yourself thinking,
“They’ve been in bed for two days and are complaining? I haven’t felt 'well' since the nineteen hundreds.”
The Reality Check: While your empathy is your superpower, their experience of pain is relative to their normal. To them, this temporary setback feels like a mountain, even if it looks like a molehill from your vantage point on the Himalayan range of chronic illness.
When to Keep Your Advice in Your Pocket
Sometimes, the best thing you can offer isn't a tip, but a quiet presence. Keep the advice on standby if:
They just need to vent. They aren't looking for a solution; they're looking for a witness to their discomfort.
The advice is "Too Pro." Analyzing their blood work or suggesting a specific medication might be overkill for someone who just has a three-day virus.
You’re feeling resentful. If your advice is coming from a place of "I have it harder," it will be salty. Season with love, and if needed, step back and protect your own energy instead. (Sidenote: feeling resentful is normal, and it is healthy for you to acknowledge how you feel. If you feel angry, that is okay too! We highly encourage talking to another lupus patient, community leader, or therapist to process those feelings.)
When to Share Your "Spoonie" Wisdom
There are moments when your lived experience is exactly what they need. Offer up insights when:
They’re overwhelmed by the system. If they’re struggling with insurance or how to advocate for themselves at a doctor’s office, your "pro" status is a gift.
They ask for the "Lupus-Level" hacks. If they say, "How do you stay so organized with your meds?"—give them the masterclass.
They’re struggling with the mental game. Chronic illness patients are the masters of the "mental marathon." Sharing how you manage everything- from the isolation (or boredom) or the guilt of being "unproductive" to the appointments and administrative aspects- can be incredibly grounding for someone who isn't used to the varying aspects of it all.
The Golden Rule: Ask First
If you’re itching to help but aren't sure if it’s welcome, try the "Support vs. Solutions" check.
"I’ve picked up a few tricks for managing [pain/fatigue/nausea] over the years. Would you like some tips, or do you want me to bring over some soup, and we can watch Real Housewives?"
Let's face it, it can be a bit of a sting when you offer a "life-changing" tip—honed through years of blood, sweat, and steroids—only to have it met with a shrug or a "yeah, maybe."
While your advice is objectively high-quality, there are several psychological reasons why someone with a temporary setback might not be ready to receive it from a "chronic pro."
Let's delve into why this happens:
1. The "Scale of Suffering" Gap
To you, a temporary setback is a sprint; to them, it’s a total disruption of their universe.
The Mismatch: If you offer advice based on how you survive a lupus flare, it might feel "too heavy" for them.
The Reaction: They might feel like following your advice is an admission that their problem is "serious," which can be scary for someone who just wants to be back at work by Monday.
2. The Autonomy Reflex
When people get sick, they lose control over their bodies. For many, the only thing they have left is the choice of how to handle it.
The Conflict: Even if your advice is 100% correct, receiving it can feel like one more person telling them what to do.
The Result: They reject the advice to reclaim a sense of agency, even if it means suffering a little longer.
3. Comparison Guilt
This is a unique dynamic between the chronic and the temporary.
They might think, "I can't complain about this flu to them because they deal with so much more."
When you offer advice, it reminds them of your chronic status. They may shut down the conversation because they feel guilty for "making a big deal" out of something small compared to your journey. Or they don't want to think about the scariness of living in their temporary pain forever. It is their own fragility due to their pain (or even mortality) that may make them push you away. (Wow, that got deep.)
4. The Desire for "Normalcy," Not "Optimization"
Chronic illness warriors are often optimizers. We have to be to survive. We want the best medications or supplements, the best pillows, and the most efficient pacing strategies.
The Difference: Someone with a temporary illness usually doesn't want to "optimize" their sick time; they just want to end it.
The Mismatch: They might see your advice as "lifestyle changes" when they are looking for "temporary band-aids." Once again, they don't want to be reminded that this temporary setback may turn into a chronic "problem."
If you notice these signs, it’s time to pivot back to being "just a friend" rather than a "health consultant":
The "Yeah, but...": They have an excuse for why every suggestion won't work.
Change of Subject: You suggest a specific tea, and they immediately ask if you’ve seen the latest show on Netflix.
Short Answers: "Thanks, I'll keep that in mind" (Translation: I probably won't do that).
The Bottom Line
Living with Lupus gives you a PhD in resilience. When someone around you is temporarily sidelined, your greatest value isn't necessarily your medical knowledge—it’s your calm. You know that bodies are unpredictable and that "getting through it" is a process.
Sometimes, the best advice you can give is simply showing them that being "down" doesn't mean being "out." If you want to help without the friction, try the "Drop and Run" method:
"I have a heating pad that was a lifesaver for me when I couldn't move—it's on the porch if you want to try it. No pressure at all, just thought of you! Hope you feel better."
By leaving the advice or tool as an option rather than a directive, you remove the pressure and the guilt.
Lastly, it is important to remember that the wisdom you have gained through your years of living with lupus is a benefit to you, and it is not your responsibility to train, fix, or educate the public to do better or be better. If someone wants advice, they will ask for it-if they don't... keep living your best lupus life.
Compiled By:
Kelli (Casas) Roseta
**All resources provided by this blog are for informational purposes only, not to replace the advice of a medical professional. Kelli encourages you to always contact your medical provider with any specific questions or concerns regarding your illness. All intellectual property and content on this site and in this blog are owned by morethanlupus.com. This includes materials protected by copyright, trademark, or patent laws. Copyright, More Than Lupus 2026.
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